How My Body Has Changed: The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

I was never a chubby child.  However, I WAS the first in my class to blossom... by YEARS.  I was 9 in this picture, and I loved that sweatshirt because it hid that I needed to wear a bra already.  I mean, by the time my friends were getting their first training bras because they "wanted them" in 6th grade, I was already a DD. I was horrifically self-conscious about it and often wore big baggy clothes to try to hide it.  This, of course, just made me look busty AND fat.

By the time I was 14, I was on prescription pain killers and muscle relaxers because of the damage (tearing) to my back muscles.  Between being busty and large framed, and at that point rather tall for my age, I wanted to do ANYTHING to be smaller.  I was 5'4" tall, weighed 120 pounds, and I had a 47" bust.  I also took a snug size 14 jeans.

Age 14

I did not understand that I wasn't fat.  I really didn't.  So, I decided to exercise and diet.   I rode my bike about 15 miles a day and ate only 1/2 an apple, 2 tablespoons of peanut butter, and 2 liters of Kool-Aid a day.  That's it.  Of course, I lost weight.  I lost about 20 pounds in a month, maybe more. But, all that did was get me to squeeze into a tight size 13 jeans and destroy my eating habits for life.  I continued on for a couple more months, but never got any smaller.  Honestly, after a few months of it, I'm lucky I didn't end up in a hospital or worse.

This picture is BEFORE I started that crazy diet. I had to buy that dress several sizes too big in order to accommodate my bust.

Never since have I been able to eat what would be considered "normally".  I cook and eat with my family because that's what I am supposed to do.  Left to my own devices I probably wouldn't even have that much. 

Age 16

By high school, I could no longer even find bras to buy that fit.  I dressed rather bizarrely so that may have helped, but I don't know.  I'm sure sometimes my crazy wardrobe made me look worse.  I just did my thing and didn't really care too much what anyone thought.

As soon as I turned 18 I had a massive breast reduction (13.5 lbs.) which left me at 119 lbs. again and still a full D cup. Though I required some touch up surgery after the scar tissue softened (not uncommon in such a drastic reduction), I was happy with the results.  I sadly, still thought my pants size determined if I was "fat" or not, and my 14s didn't fare well in my mind against my friends' 6s, 4s, and 2s. I still couldn't wrap my head around the fact that you could count my ribs but I needed such big pants.  I couldn't get that it was my bone and muscle structure and not fat.  That took me years.  I'm actually surprised I finally got there given that I gained weight constantly since then.

I think, looking back, that I was most happy with myself and felt my most attractive (dare I say I felt sexy?) at about 140 lbs. in my early 20s.

I don't want to be skinny again.  It's not healthy for me and I really don't find it beautiful.  If I could snap my fingers and magically be any weight I wanted, I would probably choose that 140.  At my low moments I curse my body for refusing to stay there (or at least near there).

Age 25

 Instead, I have gained weight steadily, year after year.  By the time I got married (the first time) at age of 25, I was a size 18.

When I cleared the 200 lb. mark, I went to the doctor to ask for help. They told me to eat less, but I didn't understand how to do that given how little I ate already.  They told me I could see a nutritionist to "improve my food choices" but I didn't see how I could improve my largely vegetable based diet.  I went home with no answers and trudged on.

I tracked my intake with My Fitness Pal. I tracked every sip and morsel I consumed for almost 2 years.  I didn't change any of my habits.  I just logged faithfully and accurately.  I wanted to be able to show the doctors that I really DON'T overeat and I really don't eat lots of fatty junk.  I couldn't think of any other way to get them to understand.

"Sedentary women ages 19 to 25 need 2,000 calories a day; sedentary women ages 26 to 50 need 1,800 calories a day." -USDA, WebMD, etc.

2010 Size 22.

I found that I average 900 calories a day.  My entire adult life, I have been eating about 900 calories a day.  Let me say it again so it will sink in.  Nine. Hundred. Calories. Per. Day.  Yet, I continue gaining weight.

Early last year I inexplicably, suddenly, gained 60 lbs in only 4 months.  I also started having massive dizzy/faint spells.  That scared me, so back to the doctor I went.

I begged for help.  Their answer was still "eat less" or get gastric bypass surgery.  I explained AGAIN how much I eat.  Showed the printouts.  Begged for an answer that didn't mean flirting with anorexia again.  So, they sent me out the door with no answers and a list of blood tests to have done.

My blood work wasn't very helpful.  My cholesterol is fantastic (reinforcing the truth of my healthy food choices).  My blood sugar was normal (amazing at my weight).  I do have an under-active thyroid, but I take medication for that.  I tested positive for an autoimmune disease, but after ruling out Lupus, the specialist I was sent to basically ignored it and went right back to telling me to eat less and lose weight.  He lectured me on how I must be over-eating and repeatedly telling me being fat was why the arthritis in my back and knees hurt so much.  He made me cry he was so nasty.

I'm now so heavy that walking up the stairs to my bedroom at night winds me like a heavy workout.  I have chronic migraines and insomnia. I have severe arthritis in my knees and they frequently give out on my without warning.  Also, in the last few years, I have become allergic to the world (practically) including sunlight.  My exercise options are limited to mostly light housework and shopping.  I'm about 260 lbs. and a size 3x/24.

I've tried supplements to improve metabolism, mood, and energy.  Probiotics, B boosters, raspberry ketones, cinnamon, etc.  All to no avail.  I've considered, and may still try, garcina cambogia if my doctor says it's safe.  I will NOT undergo unnecessary surgery or take amphetamines even though my weight makes them technically viable options according to medical insurance.

At this point, I have pretty much given up on doctors.  They don't have any answers for me.  I go when I'm sick and that's about it.

I'm trying to get an elliptical or treadmill to use at home as much as the pain allows.  When/if I do get one, I may possibly keep track of any progress in posts.  I don't know.

Mostly though, I'm trying to be happy the way I am.  I'm trying to have fun with makeup and nails and hair so I can remind myself I'm still feminine and maybe even pretty, even if I am more curvy than I'd prefer.  I'm trying to stop being angry at what I lost, and to start being happy with what I've got.  And, I think I'm winning.